carried + loved collective

Miscarriage is Worthy of Deep Grief

Jessica ScheksComment
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Our babies lost to miscarriage deserve to be deeply mourned.

When a woman finds out she is pregnant her mind immediately envisions a baby. And a baby is not an isolated thing in someone’s life; a baby changes life as we know it. We aren’t just picturing a baby, we are picturing a completely different life because of a baby.

Suddenly every holiday, chore, vacation, errand, church service, friendship, girls night out, career, et cetera looks totally different in our mind and heart.

Will we travel to see family for Christmas with a tiny baby in tow? Or will we invite everyone to our house? Will we quit our job to stay home? Get a new job? How long will our maternity leave be? Will we find out what we’re having? Should we have a gender reveal party? How much extra laundry does a baby really entail? Will we be able to fly to the beach for our family vacation or will we need to reschedule? How will we announce that we’re pregnant?! How will our friends who have experienced loss or infertility handle the news? Who will plan my shower?

And these are just the questions that fill our mind within the first few hours of seeing that positive pregnancy test.

We google maternity laws. We buy pregnancy vitamins. We might whisper our news because we can’t keep it a secret, we might stay silent, or we might shout it from the rooftops! We buy that adorable gender neutral onesie at Target because we just can’t help ourselves! We google how much caffeine is too much. We google seventeen other questions!

And this is just the first few days after we find out we’re expecting!

To put it simply: All of our life plans change in that one moment that the second line shows up on that pink stick. There is nothing in our lives that a baby somehow wouldn’t affect so we are looking at an entirely different future! We’re scared. Excited. Ecstatic even! Nervous. Thankful. Blessed.

And then our entire future changes again. In the blink of an eye. One trip to the bathroom. One appointment at the doctor’s. One visit to the ER.

Suddenly our new reality is no longer. Our new life has been yanked out from beneath us and we are left with shattered plans and an even more shattered heart. Because when a woman experiences a miscarriage, she loses her baby and an entirely different life that she envisioned with that baby.

Now her arms and womb will be empty during that holiday. She’ll have to attend that baby shower with a lump in her throat. She won’t be quitting her job or going on maternity leave anytime soon. She cries about the baby shower she agreed to help plan for her friend. Now she knows how her friend feels who’s already had a miscarriage (and she totally regrets that she didn’t send a card). She longs for the extra baby laundry that she had already been dreading. She fears pregnancy announcements.

Now she googles how much blood is too much blood? When can I try to conceive again? Am I depressed? Why does God let babies die? What should I do with my miscarried baby’s remains? What are common causes of miscarriages? What are my chances of having a healthy pregnancy next? And she fears it happening again despite how badly she wants to be pregnant again because now she desperately wants a baby. Now a baby is all she thinks about.

And she didn’t realize it before, but babies and pregnancies are everywhere. She’s never seen so many pregnant women at Target before. And she counted at least eight different babies crying during church. Not to mention that unexpected baby dedication last Sunday. She’s enraged when people complain or make jokes about pregnancy. Her heart swells with jealousy and anger each time she sees another pregnancy announcement.

Now she’s anxious about every social gathering. Will so and so announce she’s expecting at that party? What will she say if someone asks her if she has any children? Will she be able to maintain composure if someone asks her what her and her husband are waiting for? Or what if she’s honest and tells someone she’s had a miscarriage and it’s met with an insensitive response? What if she gets stuck sitting next to a pregnant woman or a woman with a newborn?

A miscarriage touches every single inch of our lives.

It’s no wonder our family and friends tell us we seem different. We are different. Our lives have been forever changed by a tiny little baby that we never even got to meet. We will never be the same.