Today was supposed to be my due date.
We now know that I was pregnant with a sweet, healthy little girl but I have a blood clotting condition that caused me to miscarry her. Sometimes I hate the word "miscarry" because it sounds more like an accident than a loss.
After this second loss I was numb and in many ways I still am. Every now and then something will hit me and I will shed a few tears, but it has been crazy to me how my brain has blocked out these emotions this time around. If you've been reading my blog since my first loss you know that I was an emotional MESS afterwards for months. I cried all the time over every little thing.
The month of April seemed to sneak up on me. It came so fast it's still hard to believe we are halfway through the month and the day we were supposed to welcome our daughter is already here.
I've been extra sad this month. Probably the most sad I've felt since this second loss happened in September. But being sad is a welcomed change from being mad all the time even though both emotions are equally exhausting.
I always feel weird sharing on days like this. I feel like there are some people who think to themselves, "Oh she just wants attention. She's making such a big deal about a blob of tissue that she never even met." And maybe if I already had other children running around I'd be a little preoccupied and it wouldn't hit me as hard? But I don't and can't fathom how it would feel. My heart knows my arms should be filled and that is cause for heartache.
My arms are empty but my heart is full of love with nowhere to go.
Recently, someone asked me how I was doing. At first I just tried to act like I was fine. But the person kept probing, acting like they could tell I've been struggling. So I opened up and shared that my due date was on Saturday. This person knows all about my losses, but when I said that, they looked at my stomach, acting confused since I clearly am not pregnant. So I explained that it was supposed to be my due date. Then the person said, "you can't let that worry you."
Well I'm not worried. I'm just sad. I'm heartbroken.
The only thing I think I could be "worried" about is people forgetting what this day was supposed to be, or receiving an ignorant comment (ironically like the one I just described). I'm worried that I'll be forgotten as I continue to grieve because it seems like society believes once you're past your due date, you should be over it. But in some ways it feels like just the beginning.
I once wrote after my first due date had come and gone that the ache was definitely still there, it was just different. Instead of longing to still be pregnant, I was now longing to actively mother my child. Which just amplified the ache of my empty arms. And this time around has felt even messier because when I found out I was pregnant it hadn't even been two months since my first due date and I knew I wouldn't have been pregnant had I delivered our first child full term. I had this constant tension while I was pregnant of being so thankful for this second blessing of life, but also grieved that my first baby wasn't in my arms.
For all I know I could've had my baby last week, I could still be pregnant, or I could be one of the few who actually went into labor and gave birth on my due date. And that's just the start of a million questions that I'll never have answered on this earth.
My friend Melissa gave me the sweetest gift earlier this month. Two tiny little swaddling blankets meant for babies the size of 6-8 weeks gestation. It is the sweetest, most heartbreaking thing to look at. I love the dignity it gives my babies and it is so precious to have something tangible I can hold in their memory.
Photos: Nicole Nolan
I don't know what is in store for me today, but I know the Lord will find a beautiful way to redeem the ashes of this broken day for beauty just like He did this past June on what was supposed to be my first due date.
I started listening to this episode from the Pregnancy Loss Journey Podcast and it has really touched me so far. Christy spoke with Lauren Bourne from I Am Fruitful about God and baby loss. I especially loved when they addressed whether or not loss is punishment. Here is a picture of a note I jotted down in my Bible while listening:
And I want to thank all of my subscribers who faithfully read this blog for coming along this journey with me and for supporting me each step of the way. Blogging has been so healing for me.
As a small token of my gratitude, almost all items in the shop are 15% off today only if you use the code APRIL15. I just introduced some beautiful new leather wrap bracelets in my shop and now would be the perfect time to snatch one up as a gift to yourself or maybe for a sweet momma this Mother's Day! (All bracelet photos: Nicole Nolan).