Some days it just hits me, like today, as I was walking down the hall at work, I suddenly felt so sad that I won't be holding my baby in June like I'm supposed to. The desire to be an active mother is a hard desire to quench. And sometimes the pain of remembering I should have a big belly by now is slightly overwhelming.
I often envision myself in the very final moments of labor, feeling utterly exhausted, looking like a hot mess, wanting to give up, crying from the pain, but every negative feeling vanishing as my baby is born and laid on my chest and we meet face-to-face for the first time as my tears turn to those of the purest joy.
It is something I look forward to more than anything else. A close second is the idea of arriving somewhere to pick up my young child and he or she running towards me with excitement, exclaiming, "Mommyyyyy!" I love imagining the sweet little things I'll get to experience.
I used to nanny for my cousin-in-law and throughout my time working for her family, her two youngest boys snuck their way into my heart and now I love them fiercely. The love I felt for them (and still do) would often make me think about how excited I was for motherhood if I could feel this much love for a child that wasn't even my own.
And my sweet little Dalty, the second youngest in their family, truly helps my aching heart. Hugging and kissing him, playing with him, telling him I love him and him saying it back to me, makes me melt. I tell Michael all the time that he slays me. And in the sweetest way, he makes me yearn to be an active mother even more.
When we told Dalty I was pregnant, he was the most excited out of their four boys by far. I wish I had his precious reaction recorded. We told him at his basketball practice on a Tuesday night and I happened to babysit him later that week on Friday. I told him how there was a baby in my belly, and he was just so cute about it all. The first time that I saw him again at church after we lost the baby, he sweetly and innocently asked as he pointed to my stomach (with the cutest little voice imaginable), "There's a baby in there?" and I had to tell him, "Nooo, the baby isn't there anymore." And he seemed so sad about it.
I just LOVE that kid to pieces. I'd be lying if I didn't say I wish he was mine.
Recently I've found myself missing my nannying job, even though it was crazy stressful and my new job greatly increased our income, I miss the feeling of helping to raise children. I want that life so badly.
Sometimes I let my mind wander down paths that maybe it shouldn't. Like when I hear about a single woman who's pregnant and definitely did not want to get pregnant. A lady I work with has a daughter currently in this situation. It's hard not to feel jealous about even the bad things, like when she was sent to the hospital after her appointment last week because she was low on iron among other things. I thought to myself, I'd love to be hospitalized right now if it meant I was still pregnant. But. This girl got baptized on Sunday. She is truly turning her life around and drawing close to Christ all because of a teeny tiny little life inside of her. And I have found myself clinging to my heavenly Father and feeling closer to Him and needing Him more than ever before all because I lost a teeny tiny little life inside of me. And I love that a baby, before he or she is even born, can affect women so profoundly. And that whether the child is lost or not, it causes us to look to Christ and to strive to be the very best versions of ourselves. Becoming a mother is just so beautiful and profound.
The journey to motherhood is so hard for so many, but I already know that it will be so worth it. More than the sweetest daydreams that I could possibly imagine. Even if we have nine losses and it takes another ten years, just to have one here on earth with me will be the sweetest thing on this planet.