I saw this quote on Facebook the other day and haven't stopped thinking about it since. Before we lost our baby I think I would've just kept scrolling and it wouldn't have meant much to me if anything at all. But now, almost three months after my miscarriage, I feel like this quote explains my life.
For the first time in my 24 years of life, my heart was broken on November 15th, 2015. I suppose I am fortunate that I never had to endure a boy breaking my heart before or some type of tragic loss until now. I did lose my Grandma in 2012, but she was old, had been through so much, and while it was still devastating, it was peaceful knowing she was no longer in pain.
Depending on my mood, sometimes it is comforting to think that our firstborn will never have to experience the sorrows of this world. But losing a baby, at any stage, isn't as peaceful as losing someone in their old age. It's hard losing someone you didn't expect to lose.Mothers don't expect to lose their children; their hope and fervent prayer is that their children will outlive them.
All of that to say, I'm still heartbroken. Some days are so much harder than others. BUT. My friends have been so amazing and I am feeling so thankful for them today.
When things in your life aren't normal you tend to remember many more details. If we hadn't lost our baby on November 15th and it was just another day, I probably wouldn't remember what I wore that day, what I had for breakfast, how I styled my hair, or any other details about the day for that matter. But since it was a tragic day, I vividly remember so much - the day is engrained in my mind.
And since then, my life still hasn't felt normal. And I don't expect it to. And as it does begin to settle, it settles into a new normal. I can't go back to what my life was like before I was changed by the loss of our child. But as I'm in this season of my life where it doesn't feel normal, some things seem hazy, but some things seem so clear. Clearer than ever before.
Grief is so interesting to me; it always has been, and especially now as I find myself in the midst of it. I think that the enemy loves to use grief as a tool to make you feel alone and like no one cares. Because sometimes it does feel pretty isolating when everyone around you is going about their normal day like nothing happened. Yet on the inside you are screaming that something definitely did happen.
But God doesn't let me get away with feeling like that for long. Sometimes He inspires me directly. Perhaps as I read His Word or as I listen to music inspired by Him. But He often uses my sisters in Christ to inspire me.
In forty years, or even ten years, I don't know that I'll be able to tell you every single detail like I could today, but I have a feeling I'll still be able to recall a decent amount of memories. Memories of my sisters reaching out to me in my time of sorrow and encouraging me. Whether it was a text message, a card in the mail, taking the time to listen, a phone call, a gift, saying something in person, a Facebook message, a Snapchat, or a prayer, it is all displayed in my mind so vividly.
I don't expect every single person in my life to say something or to understand what I'm going through. That'd be the most unrealistic expectation ever. But what has really amazed me is how the Lord lays it on the heart of His children to try to understand. He doesn't lay it on everyone's heart, if He did it wouldn't seem as special. But in the past 84 days (I can't believe it's already been that long), I've lost count of how many times the Lord has inspired someone to reach out to me.
Right now, you could name any one of my friends, and I could tell you about every little thing she's done for me in this time. I don't know why it sticks out in my mind so well. But I think the Lord is using these moments to draw me closer to His daughters. He is sustaining and creating lifelong friendships with roots that go so deep. When someone takes the time, even if it's someone I wasn't super close with until now, to reach out to me, it just binds my heart to their's (and hopefully their's to mine).
One friend (someone I actually don't even know that well) Facebook messaged me telling me that this type of thing rarely happens to her, but she had woken up super early one Monday morning and felt so strongly to pray for Michael and me. She ended up going on a run praying for us the entire time. Unbeknownst to her, I had really been struggling with anxiety (especially on Monday mornings when I had to go back to work) and I realized that on that particular Monday morning I wasn't anxious. I struggled with anxiety a lot those first few weeks after my miscarriage, but after the Lord woke her up to pray for us, my anxiety got so much better. Imagine if she hadn't listened to that nudge from the Holy Spirit?
And that's not the only time someone has told me they felt like the Lord brought me specifically to their mind. It is just hard to wrap my mind around how much the Lord loves me that He inspires others to pray for me right when I need it the most. And I'm so, so thankful that these sweet friends have been obedient and followed the Lord's leading in those moments.
It makes me feel smaller and my God even bigger. I have never felt so loved by Him or others. In the last 84 days I feel like the Lord is just carrying me around in His palm, showing me time and time and time again that He loves me more than I'll ever know; that no hurt can go deeper than His love for me. It is truly amazing and I'm so thankful that He uses old and new friends to show me this so often.
Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.
- MATTHEW 5:4 -